I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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