Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
