Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
