Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
