just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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