my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
