proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
