My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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