maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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