Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
