You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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