Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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