Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
