Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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