Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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