I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
