I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
