im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
