I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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