So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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