I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
