im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
