so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
