dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm really busy with my period
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
