The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
