So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
