I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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