the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i wish my penis had a tongue
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
