I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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