Who did Billy Mays play for?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
