i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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