Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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