Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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