Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
