i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
