This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
