I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
this hospital has no fireball
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
