I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
