ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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