my mouth tastes like poor choices
no, he came in my armpit
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
