Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
