I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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