I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
