u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
