Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
