I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
