too bad you live with your parents still
i would punch a child for taco bell
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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