woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
