A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
