Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
