I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
