mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
