Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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