when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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